If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
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We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
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i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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