Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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