i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
