Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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