Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
