if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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