I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
