I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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