The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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