Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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