My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
