He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
