he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
