My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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