Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
