her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
