if you like me you must not know who I am
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
