I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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