if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
