Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
