i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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