Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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