I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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