I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
