I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
