Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
