After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
