You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
When are your genitals available?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
