dude i'm inner monologue high
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
