i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
