he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
