I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
