i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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