Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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