She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
