I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
