You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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