My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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