i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
