Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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