Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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