It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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