I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
