I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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