Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
