All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
