I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
