Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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