The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
