i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
True strength comes from lack of pants
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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