I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
