The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
