On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
