Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
