She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
