I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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