I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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