And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
