Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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