All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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