I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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