No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
